you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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