Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
