im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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