he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
