Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
