Your mouth is God's brothel.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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