we have officially lost it.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
