Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
