im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
