Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
