Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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