How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
