I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize