Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm too high and old for this...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
