we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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