I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize