Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
