I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
