when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
