Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
