its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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