I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
