DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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