I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
