Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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