On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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