Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
