Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
