He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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