i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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