fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
