pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
