I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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