Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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