he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
