theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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