You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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