Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
