Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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