The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
