Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
