woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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