I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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