I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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