Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
