I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
