Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
