I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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