those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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