i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Who put my cat in the fridge?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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