Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
