after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize