I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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