If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
