3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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