You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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