WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
