you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
