she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
