When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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